Want a higher paycheck? Say you’re sorry

Whether or not apologising leads to better pay, it ceratinly leads to being a better person.

In 15 years management experience of managing and being managed, the ability to apologise when you are wrong is a key factor in strong leadership.

Working for a manager who managed to make the same mistake three times in quick succession, whilst blaming the ensuing problems on myself and others was enough to make me leave after 8 years with the company.

Being able to take responsibility for your actions inspires confidence in those around you, reinforcing the traits necessary for success.

Being successful should then have some bearing on the paycheck you receive?

I’m sorry, but I just can’t buy this. In addition to age, I would be curious to see the breakdown of professions as well.

I work in the legal field. In the city where I work, starting salaries for associates fresh out of law school are 170K. New associates are typically in their late 20s or early 30s.

Generally speaking I have not found attorneys to be apologetic in nature, and it does not get any better over time where they really begin to earn the big bucks!

Annie here — Good point! You really can’t judge anything by New York City salaries, either (whether for lawyers or not!). The cost of living in NYC is 64% higher than the national average (!) — so pay tends to be somewhat higher too, but alas, perhaps not always by 64%. I always feel these kinds of survey data — that is, any survey analysis that compares pay ranges — ought to include a cost-of-living adjustment as well. If you make $100,000 in Iowa, you’re rich. If you make $100,000 in NYC, you’re barely middle class.

Apologizing to get more money makes sense. Being nice can actually help you sometimes.

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In my book, “How to: have a Nice Day” I tell a story of a consulting contract I had with an up and coming television network. The VP of Mktg. with whom I had signed my contract, was the brother of the Founder/CEO.
When my contract arrived, it was not to the terms we had agreed upon. Of course, these changes were to the companies benefit. When the VP of Mktg. challenged me with “is this a deal breaker” language, I decided to accept the contract in its current form. However, my antennae was now raised for what our future might contain.
Next, I fulfilled the contract and requested payment. You guessed it; the VP challenged my request and declared my contract un-fulfilled.
I then sent a letter to the CEO informing him of his brothers love…. Naturally, as I still believe, he had a brilliant business concept. I postured that his brother recognized this as well, and wanted to contribute in any way he could. Having the results of my work and not paying for it, would be one way of achieving that. This was his brothers way of loving him.
I received payment by return mail. I was not sorry, just aware. In this way I could save face for all concerned and enjoy a happy ending.

It seems that the article this question is based on is about being a risk taker (better to ask for forgiveness, than to beg for permission). When I have done something wrong, I was brought to always say I was sorry and of course never do it again. But at work, I have found apologizing and it’s benefits depend upon the boss. If they are power hungry and somewhat paranoid of their subordinates getting ahead of them and in this day and age, even replacing them, the apology goes nowhere and your infraction goes in your personnel binder.

If the boss has some moral worth, the apology goes a long way. Because they want everyone who works for them to succeed, because that makes them look like a succcess.

I tend to be a person with a strong opinion. I come from a long line of strong opinions. Quite some time ago a friend/manager sat me down and said that I would have to choose between being right and being successful. That has stuck with me over the years and served me well. I now hold a position paying well into six figures and am well liked by a lot more people then when I used my previous approach. Oh yea, life seems to be less stressful now too.

One night was clsoing the retail store I managaed and all the workers were done for the night. The company’s policy required that at least one worker stay behind with me until I was finished (which would be about ten more minutes) I asked for a volunteer out of the 4 employees standing there and none did. I picked one girl, Julie, to stay, she huffed and pouted, I let the others go and was done in mere minutes. When the Julie and I left the store together, the others who left were waiting outside for her (in other words, they all could have waited because they were all hanging out together afterward). I was angry and left.

The next day when I arrived at work, I saw that Julie was on the schedule. I didn’t feel like seeing her or working with her, but I was just going to have to grin and bare it. Then Julie arrived and walked straight up to me. Without missing a beat, she said, “I am so sorry for the way I acted last night. You didn’t desrve that at all.”

I was floored. I absolutely wasn’t expecting it. It was very sincere. It made the rest of the day and the rest of the time we worked together perfectly pleasant.

And I have to say, her apology earned so much respect from me because I did realize how rare it was for people to offer a sincere “I’m sorry”

I don’t know how much money she earns these days, but it was certainly a mark of good character, and if I were called for a job recommendation for her, I would absolutely give her a good review.

Funny how age is not mentioned. Does this teach us anything other than what we already know about the apathetic attitude of young people? People who have the wisdom to apologize - and the checkbook to buy pearls - are older. I can’t wait to get old.

Good people always apologize when they have offended someone. If you are not at fault, say something like: “I am sorry that I offended you” with no further explanation. If you were even just a bit wrong then say so. This approach has served me well with youth and adults going on 75 years.

I’d like to know if the pollsters controlled for age in their survey.

A disproportionate amount of low incomel earners will be young people at the beginning of their careers. Young people may not have developed the maturity to with conflict and personal responsibility.

I’m sorry, but I have to disagree.
I don’t make $100,00/yr. (and I’m sorry about that, too) but I find it easy to say “I’m sorry.” In fact, I’m sorry that this whole sorry discussion started. That’s all I have to say and I apologize if I seem redundant.

I found this article interesting, but from my experience, it has been better to ask permission first than to apologize later, simply because with permission, you have more freedom to do what you gotta do, and work within guidelines which will produce the expected results. Apologizing later seems to me to show a level of selfishness on the part of the asker, and requires forgiveness in order for the apology to be successful.
It takes a bigger person to forgive than it does to apologize, so I’d imagine that the forgivers are probably more successful than the asker.

I found myself in the position of being personally attacked by my boss. He implied that I was both a liar and a thief. All this over not explaining in detail the charges on an invoice.

My position suddenly changed from managerial to clerical. I tolerated this treatment for three weeks then submitted my resignation which simply said “I quit.” Of course, by quitting, it makes his insinuations appear true.

I think I gave him ample opportunity to apologize for his accusations. Even after he discovered he was wrong, that didn’t happen. By the way, we’ve worked together off and on for 20 years!!

My reputation is destroyed, our friendship is destroyed, and I think I will just go ahead and draw Social Security. I’m too old to be treated like a 3-year old.

Those of us making low pay are not being defensive by not apologizing. We formed calluses enduring all the raw deals over the years, trying to feel lucky having a job. We just forget sometimes that not everyone has a thick hide. For that I, at least, am sorry.

Let’s not forget that the study came from people who were buying expensive gifts (pearls) to apologize. I think the correlation is the other way around; people who apologize more does not make more money because of it; people who make more money to begin with are more likely to apologize and more likely to do so with expensive gifts because one simple reason: They can afford to apologize with pearls!

Folks, to clear up what seems to be a common misunderstanding: The survey wasn’t a survey of pearl buyers — it was a survey of a sample of the general population. And the researchers asked about apologizing in general, not apologizing with gifts, expensive or otherwise. Sorry if I didn’t make that clear in the column. — Annie.

I appreciate this discussion of apologies. I’m a psychologist (www.christiancounseling.org) and I find that what many people really need is a good apology! I’ve co-written a book with Gary Chapman called The Five Languages of Apology. Our premise is that what one person considers to be a sincere apology is not necessarily what another person considers to be a sincere apology. When it comes to apologizing, one size does not fit all.

It’s simple, if it goes wrong and you are responsible, accept responsibility — don’t make excuses or blame others. No one is interested in excuses and blaming only shows your lack of ability to be a leader. In your apology, you should also be stating what actions you are taking to ensure that it won’t happen again.

As for apologizing when it is not your fault. I am guessing this is the situation where one or more of your subordinates causes the situation leading to an apology. You are responsible for the actions of your subordinates; therefore, yes, you are the person responsilbe to those above you and you are the one who should be apologizing. Although you may not have directly caused the mistake, you are fully responsible in the eyes of your peers and those above you. This is what being a leader is all about — being responsible.

For lower income levels it has been suggested that fear of being fired is a reason for not apologizing. That may be case, but the majority of us started at the lower levels and perhaps the reason we reached higher levels is because we were recognized as responsible people by admiting our mistakes and showing we were willing to accept the consequences of our actions and learn from our mistakes.

There have been times in my life where I was absolutely inflexible in this area and had no end of trouble. Apologizing when you’re wrong (or even if it will just relieve some workplace tension) goes a long way toward sleeping better at night.

This matter is of the outmost importance for someone who wants to improve his performance. There is a natural tendency for a man not to ask fr directions (an for a woman to ask too many). The same goes for appologizing: people with higher confidence level feel less threatened by apologizing. By starting to apologize more for known mistakes one would build his/hers self-comfidence as it will notice that the consequences are not as bad as feared. Being able to take a few punches is what makes one stronger. A well rounded person will be good on offensive, defensive and nimble. Annie, thanks for bringing this up!

The willingness to apologize (social contexts) or own up to mistakes (business contexts) is a sign of maturity and good judgement. As in the political world, “it’s not the deed that does the damage, it’s the coverup”.

I would whole heartedly agree with the premise. I have have stumbled upon errors in presentations - some mine, some of from peers or managers - but I would NEVER NOT accept blame and deride someone else when I am on the hot seat. The value that returns to me, and the team is invaluable. Take one for the team and you will be rewarded for your loyalty down the road

I think that the poll proves that those who make the most money are the most likely to lie.

As I high school senior in Nigeria, I wrote aletter of apology to my school pricipal after being purnished for doing something wrong and took it to him after school. As a college graduate, I went back to teach in my high school (as part of the National Service for graduates in Nigeria), and the same principal remembered this incident and introduced me to the entire student population as an example. I never forget this and now in my career and personal life, I always apologise in different kinds of situations. Apology builds relationships and help others see you as human. People tend to listen to you more because they know you would admit when you are wrong. This has been very helpful with all levels of colleagues, and my career has never been hurt by an apology. Besides, I earn more than $100K. I guess that is to be expected according to this survey.

Often, being apologetic is a sign of respect. Wouldn’t you show respect in accordance to how much respect you were shown? Think about the job sectors that the best paid positions versus the worst paid positions are likely to be in.

Would you jovially apologize if your job consisted of working at a grueling minimum wage job where you got little respect yet disgruntled customers and supervisors pick on your every mistake? On the other hand, the highest paid jobs tend to be prestigious business or other professional positions.

What a great discussion. Apologizing and taking responsibility when you aren’t “wrong” shows that you value the relationship with your co-workers over looking falible.

Makes sense to me.

I’d lay odd that those managers who lay blame downward are also apologizing upward. Just a theory.

My only concern about these otherwise intriguing results is that I think it’s possible that the reason people in lower income brackets do not apologize is because they know for sure they will be fired…

I don’t know if the study somehow corrected for differences in job security and even reputation. It might be that other factors are more likely to be in place for the [person in a higher income bracket that allow them more security and/or that insulate their reputation so that they can “afford” to apologize and that those factors just aren’t there for lower income workers if nothing else on the basis of status and all it’s perks… Lower income workers might be that percentage or more vulnerable to losing their jobs or suffering other negative consequences for admitting their mistakes….Not necessarily but if the study did not address these possibilites then I can’t take the data on face value. In fact my experience in competitive working situations is that one’s co workers are looking for a reason to assign blame to another for competitive reasons and so volunteering to essentially become a scape goat is asking for negative consequences. I have almost always admitted my mistakes on principle, but have frequently found that to be the road out… which isn’t so bad if you don’t want to work in such an environment…but
I would not assume a high earner’s abiltiy to apologize and survive is solely based on the apology.

The necessarily brief description of the study does not say if they ‘controlled for age’. Age would likely be a huge factor in whether or not someone will apologize and in income level.

If they did control for age, then this is an astonishing and useful finding. Not apologizing for mistakes one has made is a fear response which reduces the quality of relationships.

As a professional, I apologize for any mistake my task group makes, because I set the tone and environment, and I should have anticipated and prevented any potential problems. I don’t apologize to manipulate anyone, I take responsibility so the task group will learn from the mistake and return to work ASAP

And then there is the alternative theory. Maybe the owner of the Pearl Exchange will test his own theory that the more high-level decision-makers have a whole lot more to apologize about.

My 2 cents on this is …
We spend more time defending ourselves than promoting ourselves, that is why there are less leaders (people promoting themselves) and these are the people with solid self esteem and these are the people who step up to the plate or own the responsibility of a mistake. Every one can take responsibility for the good but only a few, good leaders, can take responsibility of the mistake. They will then also correct/ fix the mistake. It all comes down to mainly character and interpersonal skills. Two of the core skills to be a successful leader.
These qualities makes them more attractive to senior management for leadership positions in the company, as they are responsible people in good and bad times and can communicate both humbly.

I’ve been married for over 30 years. I have learned it’s almost always my fault. Saying I’m sorry does work. It also works in the business world. I only say it once because after you want me to gravel and we’re not going there.

It may be that it has to do with maturity and not earnings. As you grow in your career your earning increase and so does your maturity

People who make make more money are the Boss and it is easy for them to say sorry to their worker as it is a lip service. But if worker tell sorry to boss, boss can always use against the worker.

This happens to me everyday.

I’m one of those people who will always stand up to point directly to what is right or wrong. On the same token, I will greatly appreciate anyone who will point directly to my mistake. My point right here is that, if you make a mistake, the only way you can get credibility from your boss is to apologize. To apologize doesn’t mean that you are making yourself a squat to your boss or employees; it is simply saying that, you are wise enough to acknowledge the mistake, and you look forward to a change, and subsequently not making the same mistake again. People like this are a good example in a working environment, and that’s why they are always rewarded with a promotion

Thinking back over the years, I admit to a significant mistake about twice a year. The latest one related to me asking a specific group of direct reports to solve a very difficult problem. Another direct report approached me and commented on why I never asked his team to solve the tough problems. I admitted that I had no good reason and appoligized for the error. With out realizing it, I had started directing tough high profile issues to a specific team. I now make an effort to equally deligate the issues. As a result, the entire team is working better together.

Unfortunately, we cannot look at correlational survey results and make any causality statements. I think the correlation is very interesting, but perhaps there is another part of the picture…
People who are more confident are probably both more likely to apologize AND more likely to make a higher income than those who are insecure, for example.
More research would be nice before suggesting behavioral changes which may end up being even worse. I would personally rather get no apology than one whose motive is to manipulate me, be I the boss or anyone else.

Its simple really. Most high-income earners understand that relationships and trust are critical components of success. Admission of guilt engenders trust in others. The converse is also true. The survey results don’t surprise me at all. In fact, they confirm my own observations.

Two things worse than making a mistake: not learning from it, and not admitting to it.

Someone here wrote, “A person making $25,000 a yr or less is far more likely to slowly and inconsiderately walk cross the street forcing motorist to stop and stare the driver down as if to say ‘I’m so important that you must yield to me and I will not rush to accommodate you’ than a more successful person. They have little else to show their self worth and therefore show their insecurities with unjustifiably arrogant behavior such as being unapologetic. You see this type of behavior manifest itself in nearly all low in come neighborhoods.”

What I found very interesting was that some of the other posts displayed this exact same behavior thus giving credibility to post I reference above.

So silly. All this shows is that higher-income people are more likely to buy forgiveness via a gift.

This study seems odd. Maybe some groups feel that they say they are sorry more. I don’t know, but the difference in statistics between higher and average earners isn’t that great.

I have been saying this for years, people who kiss up move up so this doesn’t suprise me at all. I will stick with my sense of pride and be happy with less.It sickens me to hear that there are people out there who will apologize even if they know they are not wrong.

Of course, you never explain that someone would have to admit that they are at fault. I know that with arguments with my wife, we both think we are right. Yes I am willing to say “I’m sorry” when I’m wrong, and I suppose my wife would also be willing if she were wrong. Now just try to convince us we are….Can’t get there from here. The question if flawed from the onset.

People earning more than $100K by nature, loosing a job because of a mess-up, means high risk. When you make more money, you tend to buy/invest high priced items and lead expensive life-style. So there is high risk and by just saying Sorry the person wants to keep the job - in short Survival Skills.

People making 100K+ might be more likely to appologize. This maybe true upto some extent, but the real reason a person can move up to making that kind of money has to do atleast something with entrepreneur skills or else they run into a danger of being called a total suck up.
And yet you don’t have to appologize to be an entrepreneur or making 100K+. If you can prove your point every time you are right and lead people into believing the right thing, you can go far beyond the so called 100K+ mark. Climbing the ladder of success is relative.

I don’t see how people’s likelihood to apologize to a significant other (with a gift of jewelry) correlates to their likelihood to apologize in a workplace setting! I’m sorry! (just working to get over 100k

Lets look at it the other way around. People who are ready to apologize may have more open minds and value the overall impact of a courteous word on the people around them than the effect of personal ego. That could be attributed to experience, education and personal maturity.
Such people are great to work with in any team and can lead effectively.So in a team of equally competent and able candidates, a person with added social skills and open mind, could be on a faster track to climb up the ladder.

I would hardly come to the so-called “conclusion” that people with more money are more likely to apologize. All this “study” tells me is that affluent people are more likely to “apologize” with expensive gifts.

I assume this survey was paid by those who are making $100k or more because the facts are totally opposite from the survey result. My friends and I have been working for several major corporations for many years. What we have seen so far is that people who are in higher management positions or people who make $100k or more tend to pass the blame to people who work under them or avoid making decisions all together. The better they pass the blame, the higher they move up. Anyone just out of college naive enough to follow such advice, would surely be made a scapegoat with the utmost ease.

Why do people making $100,000+ apologize more? Call it karma:

Matthew 5:5 - Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

Yes, High earners might be relatively secure but at the same time they have a lot more to loose….

A well-known fact in social science research is that statistical correlation does not prove causality. I find these types of “interpretations” amusing- since no one has offer up a reverse cause and effect relationship. A key factor here is which way are these people apologizing when they think they are actually right? People who apologize up the chain of command when they think they are right can reasonably be characterized as “kissing-up.” Therefore, one likely theory is that people who kiss up are more likely to be promoted into senior management positions. As some one well over the six figure threshold- I see this quite often in daily business life.

I also think it has to do with educational level. The more education you have, particularly of a technical or scientific kind, the more you understand that mistakes must be corrected. Highly educated people are more accustomed to doing kinds of work where mistakes can’t be hidden or shifted onto other people.

I think there are several factors at work, but the bottom line is the difference between “it’s my responsibility to make things work well” and “I just work here.”

I also think the cause and effect are hard to disentangle. Do people feel greater responsibility because they’re more highly paid, or did they get the highly paid jobs because they were better at taking responsibility?

It would be easy to say — and may even be true — that people with the immature, “I just work here” attitude doom themselves to lower-paying jobs.

This is an issue of self-astem. A person making $25,000 a yr or less is far more likely to slowly and inconsiderately walk cross the street forcing motorist to stop and stare the driver down as if to say ‘I’m so important that you must yield to me and I will not rush to accommodate you’ than a more successful person. They have little else to show their self worth and therefore show their insecurities with unjustifiably arrogant behavior such as being unapologetic. You see this type of behavior manifest itself in nearly all low in come neighborhoods.

The article mentioned that perhaps a higher level of security or self-confidence makes it easier for high earners to apologize. I have found this to be true in my experience. As an owner of a growing small business I have gone from the under $25,000 category through the middle ranks and into the high earner category in the last few years. The success I’ve had in business has made me realize I don’t have to stake my self esteem on whether or not I’m right or to blame in any given situation. So I can let a lot of things go without risking my identity and security, because that is based elsewhere.

I can also say from experience that I am more likely to feel good about an employee who accepts responsibility for a mistake, and I am more likely to promote an employee I feel good about.

So I suspect the willingness to apologize is both a cause and an effect of success.

If we’re talking work, instead of a roving eye, rather than an apology, try affirming the other person by saying, “You’re right, this shouldn’t have happened.” Then, provide your solution for fixing the problem or healing the relationship. I love jewelry but I’d rather get to the solution - and how we move on - than accept an easily purchased apology. I teach people how to communicate successfully (the affluent attend, too). Apology is too often default and canned (or purchased) rather than sincere and solution-oriented. Read my new book, How to Say it to Sell It. Prentice Hall. Release date: Jan 3, 08

I think that those who are willing to say “I’m sorry” are generally more willing to admit that they made a mistake. People that can admit that they made a mistake are more likely to learn from their mistake. People who learn more, by definition, know more and therefore are more valuable employees which results in a bigger paycheck

Higher-income people have more to lose, so they have to suck it up more often. They also, in my experience, work in nicer, more comfortable environments, where they have the time and ease to observe the social niceties.

It is simple…it is called OWNERSHIP. People who own up to their mistakes will be the ones correcting their mistakes. People realize they are good on their word and will correct the situation. People who do not own up are commonly full of crap. Everyone will know they are at fault, but they will give some bogus response, lowering credibility and in turn hindering success

I’m in sales, mostly coporate and international. I say my job is mostly about being patient, problem solving, and good communication. And patience. Admitting wrong is crucial to keeping customers satified and coming back.

I’ll suggest a slightly different spin on this. I suspect that people who work in higher-income jobs also work in environments where they are more likely to be rewarded for apologizing when things haven’t gone right and taking immediate action to fix the problem. People in low-income jobs, by contrast, are probably in situations where admitting error might be more likely to get them disciplined or fired than rewarded.

I do think, however, that one key to moving up from entry-level positions into management or other jobs with greater authority, responsibility, and compensation is to get over the fear of admitting imperfection and be more willing to apologize. That was certainly something I had a hard time with when I was an entry-level worker, and I believe that learning how and when to apologize has been beneficial for my career. On at least one occasion, I’m certain I bought some serious credibility with a senior manager by admitting forthrightly to my role in a snafu and being very proactive about taking corrective action.

Perhaps, people earning $100,000 a year are conscious of their success and comfortable position and don’t want to jeopardize it. Therefore, in order not to lose it they’re more eager to mend fences.
Psychologically, the recipient is gratified and rewarded.
Then they can address any underlying issues quietly and out of sight.
Like who’s getting the ax in the next round of layoffs.

You would have to be a moron to think that somebody who earns $100k has the same stressors and burdens as somebody only earning $25k annually. This is not research this is a waste of time and money. Perhaps this “study” could focus on some of the other major questions like “Why is water wet? or perhaps fire- why does it burn?”
Annie save your webspace for important matters of discussion and not this trivial trash.

Someone who is unwilling to accept responsibility for their mistakes will be more likely to shift blame, gloss over, or cover up their mistakes. This means mistakes won’t get corrected. It also means quality people will get fired for the mistakes of others. I have made it a point to take responsibility for my mistakes and have found that my bosses were relieved to hear it, knowing that if anything seriously wrong should happen, they will know the full extent of it immediately, and that it will be corrected quickly. And, conversely, as a manager, I found certain employees troubling, because I did not feel I could trust them. They seemed more interested in their reputation than in having the business be successful.