Family-friendly, or freeloader-friendly?

There will always be freeloaders and where there is a will there is a way. It is unfair to say that parents take advantage any more than individuals without kids.

hello Annie,

Hi Annie,

I have reason to believe I will be losing my job in the next 30 to 60 days. We are currently being acquired and the acquiring company will not keep me on due to a C felony I plead to at the age of 17. I’ve been here since inception as a V. P. of the company. I was employed by the original founding partners at a different company from 93′ to 98′ at which time they approached me to help them start this company. We sold a few years ago and that company kept me on; however the rumor is not this time. I have been contemplating going in to the President and offering my resignation contingent on a suitable severance package. My question is, should I do this or not. I’ve heard this is very difficult for the president and my continued employment is being discussed and not given up on without a fight. I’m not sure how to proceed or what type of package to ask for giving these circumstances. Please help!!!

Best regards,

Walking the tight rope.

Boy, you people without kids need to lighten up and get a life. Maybe you need to take a look at yourself and try to figure out why you have such vitriol towards others just because they have kids.

I’ve always viewed sick leave and vacation as part of my compensation. Therefore, it is mine to use at my discretion, regardless of the reason I’m using it.

Just because a child involved doesn’t make the Parent Employee’s needs any greater than the Single Employee’s needs, otherwise, we create an underclass of workers who don’t have children and get less privileges.

Managers must find a way to apply the flexibility equally — shouldn’t matter that you want to take off Tuesday-Thursday mornings to take an underwater basketweaving course at at the local community college, or because your kid has speech therapy, as long as appropriate measure have been taken to make up the work and deal with meetings that may conflict.

And Pam, from Wayland, MA — check your parental high horse at the gate. Just as many parents abuse flexible time as singles.

As a working parent in India, my comments are:

1] Companies have a hang over from the industrial era, not turning when your ’shift’ starts brands you guilty, whatever the reason may be

2] Companies and managers claim to be flexible — but feel they should not be too free, as it compromises ‘discipline’ – My question is: are they hiring adults or children who need policing?

3] Too many people judge of face time in the office in addition to results delivered — unless this changes, the debate will continue.

People need time for themselves and their families, till such time we have a humane society.

So the mind shift is to get work done in real and measurable quantities, and for those who want to ’show’ a full and hard at work office to their superiors, your numbers are going to decline rapidly.

Urban life in any part of the world today requires flexibility – as the traditional boundaries of work and home are blurred, and a happy continuum creates balance and most importantly, the self belief that we can get everything done!

I don’t get sick, so I don’t take sick days..and get this: my boss doesn’t want me to take sick time when I go to my 2-5 doctor’s appointments per year. I take sick time though, becaue my argument to him is that I don’t get sick BECAUSE I’m going to the doctors. He should be thankful I’m always here, not nitpicking over a few hours every other month that I take off for DR appointments.

Thanks, William Your post gave me another thought: In the near future, the majority of us (kids or no kids) will be caring for elderly parents. There will eventually be so many that employers are going to have to do something to accommodate… I just hope it’s not firing us for people with healthy parents or dead parents.

Flexibility equals productivity. The task of juggling family commitment and work responsibility is never an easy job, but the ability to multitask makes a better employee.
I work with single workers (no spouse/kids), but it does not exempt them from family issues (significant other, parents, siblings, grandparents, pets, etc). Granted, we all need our job to put a roof over our heads and food on the table, but family still always come first. I would take a worker who is happy at home AND at work, it equates to productivity and better communication.
I find the best workers are the people who acknowledge their responsibilities and are able to prioritize. I am a family man who would prefer to handle both responsibilities compared to some workers who whine about unfairness or the ones who are just waiting for the day they retire. There was once a (too proud) manager who suggested that I ‘let the wife’ handle my teenage kids issues at school. Not that my wife is incapaple (I think she’s overqualified), but I just refuse not to take part in the solution, especially when it involves my teenage kids who may be gone, off to college someday.

It’s interesting that so many people are commenting about picking up the slack for parents.

I have a 1-year-old at home, and yes, I have had to take time off to take care of her when she’s sick, take her to doctor’s appointments, etc. However, I am very sensitive to the fact that my problems shouldn’t become everyone else’s problems, and I make up the time by working from home when I need to, not taking long lunch breaks to make sure I make deadlines, etc. I work 8-hour days (I’d say most people here work 9-10 hour days), but I make the most of my hours in the office.

I’ve found this to be true with all the parents I work with — we’re just used to multi-tasking and getting things done, no matter whether it’s from the office or home.

So who are the slackers in my office? The single people who have never had much responsibility or had to think about how their actions impact others. They’re the ones who are continually abusing the flexibility options that my office provides and are constantly missing deadlines and asking others to pick up their work.

Sure, it’s easy to point the finger at parents when they need more flexibility, but if you were to examine actual productivity, I’d bet that parents are by and large the better workers out there.

To: Joe Silverman, San Diego, Ca.

I’d recommend actually taking the alternative approach to the blame game. “is it fair to the organization and the team to give someone time off because their baby, … as opposed to giving a single person time off because s/he had a long night …?
Regardless of the details involved, I think you can’t look at each case individually. Better to cover all the bases with a simple rule. The person needed some time off, don’t be nosy. These details really don’t matter. Getting into details like “They had a long night with a friend,” and “They had a long night with their kid” shouldn’t even be discussed. You should instruct all of your employees to say nothing more than “I’m calling in a sick day” and nothing more. If you want to say, “Is it anything we can help with from here?” is more than enough to show you care, if you really in fact do care. Otherwise, stay out of their business. A lot of companies want to be like families, and that’s fine, but even some families are entitled to their secrets from the Uncles, Aunts and Grandfathers. Let it go, it’ll make your heart a lot lighter and give you and your employees the freedom to feel more supported and pressured by guilt over something as simple a mental day which they may in fact need (and is none of your business if they do) to something as complex as their entire family down with a fever, or they want to be there for their husband or kid at the doctor.

Treat everyone equally in terms of reasons for time off. Keep it simple. Keep it consistent. If the time off is excessive, then do as Annie recommends, talk to them about it, asking if there is anything the company community can do to help, and how they intend to make up the time. Personally I think we would all be better off to think of the vacation time we bargain for (if you’re lucky enough to get to bargain for it) as the accepted minimum, not the maximum one can take if they’re doing their jobs. Time off is time off, if someone needs it, great. If someone needs it too often, then I’ll address it. If I have to, I’ll hire the people I need to do to the job, pick up the slack, whatever. It’s not like my people don’t need to have time to learn new things and if we end up with extra people and the bandwidth to improve my workforce, so much the better. The profit will come.

Some observations on some of these comments:

* Air Force Jack is absolutely right. Face time is irrelevant if you make the effort as a team to connect to your employees using email or whatever method of communication, telephone, etc. that makes the team most productive. Don’t put so much stock in face to face meetings folks. You may think you get more results out of them, but half the time you could distill the entire experience to a well written email discussion, or use a company intranet to collaborate. Believe in teleworking. It really does work. This doesn’t mean you won’t have meetings or face time. Just have the right kind of face time and the right kind of meetings where everyone is actually needed and useful, not so someone’s ego is stroked or you got that feel-good feeling that ’someone got the message’.

As for Russel and the Lance the Nurse, you two seriously need to chill out and realize a few things. * It’s the responsibility of your organizations to make sure you have enough coverage, regardless of what goes on in people’s lives. For example: US businesses tend to have a tremendously out of date mindset about what productivity actually is, and how to get more of it, and this expectation that a ‘lean and mean’ workforce is actually better for everyone. It’s not. When the company doesn’t have the ability to support the community you’ve gathered around you to accomplish your goals, rather than ‘maximizing profit’ they should be concentrating on protecting their resources, because without resources as you’ve been so concerned about — there is no profit at all. None. You end up losing people to burnout, you end up terrified that bills can’t be paid (on both sides, the worker and the company) and you end up having to endlessly train yet more people to replace those you’ve lost. Your workplace community is a living, breathing organism. It’s your team. Even the folks who you might believe shouldn’t be doing X job because of the remote possibility they might make a choice to have children.

You simple have to accept that people other than you make decisions to suit them, not to suit you. They are not the ones being arrogant. Their priorities are their own, not you and yours. The best thing you can do to get people to work together is support them. They in turn will give back, in one way or another. You just have to realize how they are giving back, and not presume they’ll give back in the way you expect. Have some patience, have some compassion, have some understanding. The profit will come, don’t worry. Nobody’s asking you to give away the store here. Losen up on the bat a bit.

In 1985, my two children and wife had the chicken pox. On the 4th day off, my boss called to say that if I did not return the next morning, I was fired. My mother took time off to stay with my kids/wife and I returned the next day. About 1 week later, the boss’s wife called. He was hospitalized with the chicken pox! He was out of work for 2 weeks and was left sterile. He didn’t doubt my sick days after that!

The focus should be on results. My clock-watching boss installed a time clock. At the end of the month, I (and the rest of the staff) submitted official paperwork showing that together, we were owed 61 hours of overtime pay or compensatory time off. The time clock was removed that afternoon!

I have seen countless examples of parents’ excesses, from constant morning sickness, through soccer games, and illnesses. Not to sound heartless, but when I was single and had car trouble, I was ostracized but my coworker, whose son had 2 stitches in his finger and his mother missed 3 days of work was considered “okay”. It is very unfair for the nonparents. Companies should get with it and revise their policy on working from home so everyone can get their jobs done and live their lives without creating antagonistic environments.

I too am one of those single folks who at times gets very tired of taking up slck for those with children. Example: A woman who has worked here less than 2 years has taken MORE than 6 weeks worth of days off so far this year to deal with sick children, doctors appointments, school functions, bother’s graduation, etc. I have worked here almost 5 years and have been out 6 days so far this year. We have no stated vacation or time off policy, but if it has to do with family matters, nothing gets said to her. I, however, am berated for taking a day off for being sick.

I also found this to be the case at my prior job, where people with children, or any kind of family issues, wre cut slack to deal with them. My solution – the policies for time off should be the same for those with or without families. End of story.

i agree with Rebecca above.

it should be an all or none policy, as a DINK, I don’t have “little ones” in the traditional sense. However, I do have two cats that mean the world to my wife and I, as well as parents that occasionally have needs. An employer shouldn’t decided if these are more or less important than children.

At the end of the day, I prefer working with people who make being a parent transparent to me as a co-worker. That means, I don’t want to hear about Joey getting sick at 2 AM. I don’t want to be forced to hold your baby when you feel it necessary to bring it into the office. And, after months working together, if the star performer let’s it out that he/she has kids, I’ll have even more respect for them, not because they kept it quite, but because they are able to manage a good work / home balance without brining the drama into the office.

The BEST boss I ever worked for gave me 2 weeks off when both my kids came down with chickenpox and my husband was overseas for a month. I had just started the job. I was frantic. He said, “That’s why we gave you a computer and printer. Work from home.” I would walk over burning coals for that man!

Personal lives should not be part of the work equation. If the parent leaves to deal with family issues, someone has to deal with the deadlines. More often than not, it is dealt to those unburdened with children.
The problem is not whether people can take time, but when they take it. The only issue is getting the work done fully and on time.

You’re, as we say in the Air Force, spot-on. Face time does not equal productivity.
As a military member, moving around quite a bit, my wife has had to adjust her professional lifestyle to maintain her career with moving. About five years ago she started tele-commuting for the engineering company she worked for prior to us moving. The employer measured performance based on productivity and client satisfaction. Not only did she continue her stallar performance, but increased productivity while working from home.
Almost three years ago we began a family and she was able to maitain her workload, yet not at the 9:00 to 5:00 schedule. Her productivity has always been lauded by the employer as one of the best for the company. She’s not the exception either…there are two other tele-commuting coworkers that rival her productivity and the three of them are top for the company in productivity. The mindset of employers and coworkers should be based a realities…metrics, not perceptions which have no basis in reality. As long as the work is completed in a timely manner by the dealine, who cares where or when it gets done.

Gee, it sounds like I’m in the minority in thinking that the recommendations sounded pretty fair. I work in an office with similar expectations — salaried folks are able to take time out of the work day to run necessary errands, go to doctor’s appointments, deal with a sick child, etc, with the expectation that we get our work done. That applies equally to parents and nonparents — I certainly enjoy the flexibility I have to go to a doctor’s appointment, take a sick pet to the vet, or run an errand for my housebound grandmother, without having to burn sick leave or vacation hours. The parents in my office may use the flexible policy more often, but they clearly aren’t shirking their share of the workload, so why should I care?

Parents of small children, in particular, appear to have “expectations,” of those around them that are often unreasonable and sometimes egregious.

Get this straight: childbearing is a CHOICE, yours, and not mine!

Far, far, far too often the stated social norm – “cover me and I’ll cover you,” is NOT met when dealing with such parents. Appointments are countless and consume HOURS; the squawking alimentery canals are brought to the OFFICE (for which, next time boys & girls, you will be FIRED); the disruption of thought, time, energy, word, deed, committment, etc. is also destructive to any office environment.

We all need help from time to time to survive and meet life’s challenges. I caution parents of young children in PARTICULAR to be certain to meet the needs of your workmates when THEY ask for a little break for meeting their older childs’ needs – school functions, lifts here and there, and so on.

I have literally had a co-worker whom I have covered again and again as a manager tell me, again, to my FACE, “I have a litte one at home – I deserve more help than anyone else here,” – talk about ARROGANCE!

And while we’re on the subject: keep your little babies HOME rather than in public places, or at the bare minimum GET UP AND LEAVE when (s)he becomes disruptive. I don’t want to spend $50 on a meal merely to hear your baby screaming. Same goes for airplanes – unless you are flying her to the Mayo for a kidney transplant, STAY HOME.

At the bare minimum – keep your little RR from kicking my seatback for 7,000 miles (actually happened: when confronted the parent laughed in my face. Until……a gin and tonic ended up in her lap…so sorry, my dear…I was distracted…..:) )

Well, you’re all missing the point.
Yeah, there are a LOT of women in the work place, but if you’re making your mind up to raise a child, WHY are you in a fulltime job?

Don’t hire women. Your companies costs of doing busines will go down, you’ll have less absenteeism, and fewer fulltime employees will have to “cover” for someone else’s childrearing choices.

Pet peeve? I’m a nurse. When pregnant co-workers come to work, we have to cover their lifting abilities, “hurt the baby,” their infectious disease patients, “Can’t take them because of the baby,” lighter assignments, “she’s pregnant,” etc.

What a scam. Then they leave for a month to have the baby and LEAVE the baby to come back to work, priorities askew.

Do parents deserve more time off? Deserve, no. But they may NEED more time off. If the single person doesn’t take the time then that is their problem. If a parent scoffs at someone who wants to come in late to take a sushi chef class twice a week for a month then shame on them!!

Should singles be more sympathetic? Absolutely and I’ll add to that workers with a stay at home parent or nanny that allow them to come and go as they please. Many have no concept of what it really means to multi task.

Have I known someone who took advantage? Certainly and they didn’t last – a poor worker is a poor worker in any situation.

In the end a happy employee is a productive employee. Matching the content of the job to the capabilities of the employee is key. Flexibility is a cultural thing and one bad apple can spoil the pot. I worked somewhere that had great flexibility until someone came in and spread poison about people not really working when they weren’t there – it was awful until he left.

We can point fingers all we want about who the better workers are and who pushes off work onto whom, but I suspect that a lot of the problem is that is that most companies don’t give ANYBODY enough flexibility or time off. I wouldn’t begrudge my coworkers leaving early sometimes to pick up kids from school if they wouldn’t begrudge me coming in late sometimes for my own personal reasons. Sadly, it’s moot, because neither of us have this option, nor will we ever!

Just one thought on the “Time off for what Purpose” issue: Most companies have clear policies. For example, sick time is for yourself or an immediate family member who is sick, as well as doctor appts for an illness. Personal Days are personal, and employers cannot ask the reason for them, so the point is mute there. Vacation is for whatever purpose you want to take it, though these days should be scheduled as much in advance as possible. Given these guidelines, why do people really care? I know of many single men who were out drinking late at night and called in sick the next day. Why get on parents for calling in sick due to a child keeping them up all night, when these days have been used for many purposes by other people in the past?

Hi Annie, Not to be a stickler, but the reader had four specific questions that seem to repeatedly come up with respect to time off to take care of family needs, vs. time off for any other reason. Since these are issues that most organizations seem to graple with, it would be interesting to get an expert’s opinion on just what is fair. For example, is it fair to the organization and the team to give someone time off because their baby kept them up all night, as opposed to giving a single person time off because s/he had a long night with a friend they hadn’t seen for a while? Is a reason for providing unanticipated time off even relevant in terms of fairness to other team members/the organization? Are there any double standards that organizations should have as a matter of policy in order to maintain work/life balance, or do we treat everyone equally in terms of reasons for time off? I would be curious to hear your comments.

So many people in our organization were taking advantage of an unstructured time policy (coming in late but leaving on time, long lunches, sneaking out early-parenthood status irrelevant) that a lot of the honest workers were getting very resentful. Management set up a sign-in/sign-out system which incorporated comp time. If you work more than 8 hours one day you can bank the extra time and take it off another day instead of dipping into your vacation or sick leave. There are some restrictions, but this system has been well received as being fair, impartial and very useful.

I have been working from home for three years. I work late at night and am available via cell even when I take vacation time. When I was in the office, I would work incredibly late, and slackers were everywhere, making overtime and taking cabs home, filing for “supper money” while standing around chatting all night. I used to pretend I was on the phone when they approached me, as I was there because I was BUSY, not to socialize. Now, I get to do what I need to do in an incredibly efficient manner. It is all about your work ethic, and that will show no matter where you work from. In this age of instantaneous communication, I prefer flexibility to face time, and as a top performer, I am able to negotiate for what I require. I hope it catches on.

First of all this “the time you spend at your desk is not important, what you accomplish is important” is a lot a hand-waving. Who gets promoted, who gets reprimanded, who get the biggest raises is subjective in most cases, and being at your desk helps in this preception.

Whether you have children or not, people have families. It is not healthy for your job to BE your life because if you are lucky enough to not die early, someday you will leave your job behind.

Those 2 things being said, more men need to step up to the plate to do their fair share of missing work to take care of the sick kid and other family stuff. It’s an investment in the family because it protects your wife’s ability to earn. If the husband is reluctant, a woman should protect her own ability to earn by lobbying to get him to do more. Otherwise, maybe child-support is more cost effective.
Those of you who are childless and have posted how you have been compensating for all those mothers taking time off, keep in mind that the replacements who will be paying the Medicare and FICA taxes in your old age (at least until the systems are bankrupt) are these people’s children.

Unless we are going to replace the population by immigration, a society should provide incentives for home grown replacements. Countries like Japan and Italy who have big disincentives for mothers to work have some of the lowest birth rates per woman on the planet.

Good points. It is all about understanding, fairness and communication.
There is no end to these types of complaints. What about employees that never get sick versus the ones that fall sick more often? It is unfair against the healthy : can we argue that?

I don’t think it has anything to do with being parent/family-friendly. Some companies are flexible, and some employees abuse that. I’m not even sure there’s a “policy” you can invent to prevent abuse. You just need to pick employees wisely.

It’s interesting that the general population is starting to see what the tech field has experienced for many years.

One of the reasons there’s such high burnout in the tech field is a lot of companies and managers simply don’t understand that work can be done at home or remotely. So they “require” a presence 8+ hours per day. Plus then many things have to be done “after hours”, and oh did we mention you need to be on call with pager/cellphone/blackberry – so techs end up working pretty much 24/7.

All because people are so tied to the “normal” work day.

I think you were a bit too generous in your recommendations. So long as everyone is given a fair opporunity to take time off, I think it’s fine. But using sick leave because your kid kept you up last night? Can I use sick leave when my night classes kept me up? How about if I got ridiculously drunk and need a morning to sleep it off? I think the best answer to all of this is using a pool of combined vacation/sick leave. That way, anyone can take it off just by asking ahead of time, and those that don’t use all their time for their kids are rewarded by having more vacation time in the end. I haven’t seen a major problem with people taking advantage of it yet in my experience, the only issue is if you’re going to let a parent take time off for a sick kid I think you need to be equally understanding when your no-kids employee needs time off for doc appt/night classes/pet care/parent care or other family emergencies.

Why the focus on only women in the family? What about the men? My wife and I have to balance our work and family time, so that sometimes means I have to pick up chores with the kids. As a man, I have found the workplace very archaic in recognizing the changing family environment. My manager and co-workers never understood why the man might have to take time off. So I think this spreads further than the “mommy in the workplace”.
In addition, I found that as a parent I am more productive than the childless workers who take smoke breaks, 2 hour lunch breaks, and chat it up around the water cooler. Since I have a family commitment, my 8 hours at work are all I have to “get it done”. At the end of the day, the “daddies” get done in 8 hours what the whiners get done in 12 hours. So quit whining and get back to work!

In my 50’s and childless, I have always had to take up the slack for the women with children who miss work due to child issues. It gets tiring after so many years. Scheduling, work load, etc. has always been pushed off on those of us who show up for work everyday and do a good job. I’m tired of it.

I think your comments are right on the money, Anne. There are now more women in the workplace than men, and that means flexibility. Just because a woman has a family to care for, whether it be small children , an ill spouse, or an aging parent, does not mean that she is any less committed to her work life outside her home. It has been my experience that if a woman feels as though she is valued in the workplace both professionally and in being shown flexibility when necessary, she will be a much more productive, valuable and happy employee. The more technology allows us this flexibilty in telecommunting, the better. Why not allow it? AS LONG AS THE WORK IS GETTING DONE. I have always judged my direct reports on their accomplishments, not necessarily on the amount of hours spent in the offie. It works well for our team.

Annie, the article regarding the management of time is an issue everywhere. I have experienced micromanaging from, of all places, the admin of our office. Someone in their infinite wisdom put the admin in charge of time keeping. This was a big mistake., she does assumes everything and has negative zero in compassion. It is good to hear validation for flexibility of workers that gie their heart and soul. People are the lifeline of the company, take care of them and you take care of your company

It has been my experience that most women have been subjected to a down-to-the-minute mentality. I have worked for women supervisors who expect time to be made up if an employee is five minutes late due to traffic. I have never considered myself sexist, I am a woman in my fities and did my share of work back in the day for women’s rights and equality, but I have to say, women need to loosen up. We are our worst enemies in the workplace. I’d work for a man over a woman any day.