Friends on CrackBerry? Miss Manners’ advice

When you are around people you say are your friend(s)..you should turn off the BlackBerry and any other device that could interfear with the friend
time. Remember you could fall off the latter of sucess and you will need all the friends you can muster. That blackberry want catch you and it want
give you the Love you will need.

The simplest solution, in my mind, is the upfront conversation. I say, at the beginning of the meal “I have to leave my cell phone because of xxx. Once (and if) that call is through, it’s going off.” I expect the same courtesy and consideration back. I find setting the expectations ahead of time really helps. I can be patient if I know about the matter distracting my companion and vice versa. This is respectful, mutual and supportive, recognizes work realities but also sets a standard that helps you assess where in our life this particular relationship fits. It also works well with spouses.

This is exactly why America is falling behind India and China.

Too many Americans are lazy and would rather spend time with the family, watching TV, or surfing the net. We need to instill the values of hard work, dedication, and loyalty to the company. Nobody wants to step up to the plate and get things done anymore. Everyone wants to go run off on some vacation. But what about the work that gets left behind?

Time off from the job means that money is being left behind. We need to get to work and stop calling in sick and going on vacation all of the time. Most people already get holidays off. Why do you need more time off? There is nothing important or fun in life. Work is life and life is work. If you are not working, you are dying!!!

Please distinguish between impolite
and rude. Though both imply disrespect.

While there certainly need to be some limits, I think it’s a bit extreme to suggest that these blackberry-checkers “have no time off” (possibly true) and therefore you cannot socialize with them. Ever.

I’m about to enter a job where I will be expected to have a blackberry and be accessible most of the time. I don’t intend to keep it next to the bed and wake up when it goes off, but if I’m spending a number of hours with friends, there’s a possibility I may need to respond to something unexpectedly. I would hope my friends would understand, and not force me to choose between remaining in good standing at my job and spending time with them.

If all my friends decided to abandon me completely ‘until I had worked my way up’ such that I could take ‘real’ time off (i.e. no blackberry every during social engagements), I would be devastated. And angry. Some people’s jobs don’t end at 6pm exactly - I’m not sure I see the value in suggesting all their friends avoid them like the plague because of that.

The line is this: if you find that you are having to respond to multiple work issues such that it continually interrupts the social activity, then it’s time to cancel out apologetically. If you can’t seem to make *any* social activity work, then your friends have a right to be annoyed.

While there’s definitely an “everyone is doing it” aspect to this, some people really do have colleagues who expect them to respond at all hours.

If you really like this friend, ask them when they’re LEAST likely to be disturbed with messages, and try to meet with them then.

But, ultimately, people like your friend have chosen the job and the status of being in demand 24/7 over normal human interaction.

I’m a consultant, and my boss wanted me to get a Blackberry, but I didn’t, because I’m already somewhat addicted to email as it is. If it’s really urgent, call me.

Checking your Blackberry 24 x 7 doesn’t make you important. It means you are insecure and lack the confidence to say “I am not working right now.” It is also rude to be sitting next to a total stranger who is carrying on a conversation on a cell as if it’s a town meeting open to the public. And they stare at you if you can’t help but listen to conversation.

If you are “On Call” for emergencies OK but in social settings “Just Turn it Off!” Life will go on and the problems will still be there for you to solve.

TennisPete, MA

Letting your mobile device make noise or, God forbid, picking up the device and actually looking at it during a meal or social gathering with friends or family is the equivalent of taking down your pants and relieving yourself in their presence. Anyone who disagrees should get over themselves and grow up. Feel sorry for them - absolutely, but not for being too busy - for having such a low self esteem to conduct themselves in this self rightious manner.

My girlfriend of 2 years made it very clear on the rules of the household. When we are at dinner, the blackberry gets some rest. Not vibrate… off and off the table.

This is the same principle as if I was going into a movie. For 2 hours, I’m away.

Toss the damn things out. I see them in church, theaters, dinner parties, and barbeques. Unless you are an on-call brain surgeon or the president, leave the cell, blackberry ipod and every other electronic device at home or in the car. Same goes for work. You have a phone on your desk, Turn the damn cell phone OFF during working hours. Nobody wants to hear your cute ring over and over while you actually working and your PDA or whatever rings incessantly.

I work in sales where one is expected to be responsive to client reuests and so a BlackBerry is a hioghly effective way of dealing with “stuff.” However, common-sense dictates that discipline should prevail and it’s very sad that some people seem unable to have human iunteraction because they’re constantly looking at their BB. If I ever get confronted with that type of behaviour, then I usuually take a balanced judgment of the situation and ask the person to put the unit down whilst we’re meeting or conversing. If they feel unable to accommodate even this small courtesy, then they clearly do not respect me and so I would have to choose whether to spend time with that person again or not.

So much to say, but I’ll just leave 1 point:

If you’re txting on the phone or on the crack, get out of the left lane on the expressway. Your erratic driving kills people.

I work as an advertising creative. Ever since I’ve seen these “personal communication devices,” I have done everything possible to avoid owning one. They not only distract in social situations, but even worse, in important professional situations. Imagine presenting ideas for a three-quarter of a million dollar tv spot (production costs alone). Now imagine only two or three people out of ten actually paying attention to the copy, visuals and details. Now imagine repeating yourself over and over three or four times… When you have three or more concepts to present. The CrackBerry is good for getting the latest stock quotes, emails and gossip, but not for making sound business decisions when they matter most — in person, with eye contact and a handshake.

Rude is rude, regardless of the technology or other distraction. We sometimes forget that cell phones and Blackberrys are not just for other people’s convenience…they’re for ours, too. There is absolutely no substitute for face-to-face communication and it’s still the most effective type.

Ms Fisher makes a comment that poses an interesting question: At what point do we think our careers are well enough advanced that we think we can socialize face-to-face with other humans? The answer may only be forthcoming after the personal digital gagetry has been around for awhile. Nevertheless I believe what many career councellors have said often enough:”Your higest quality communication is face-to-face” everything else is of lesser quality than that.

Oh, if only I could have ditched the two business pagers and business cellphone while trying to have a personal life, during my last job. Not only did these things interrupt my socializing, they interrupted my meals, showers, and sleep 24×7 for years. (When I wasn’t the primary on-call staff, I had to be the back-up on-call staff, just because I knew my job!) I had no choice in the matter, but I still did have to weather the disapproval of friends and family when the interruptions occurred. I would hope that readers would offer some sympathy.

The punch-line: In the end, my job went to India, where they could hire all three shifts.

This is a pretty interesting topic- especially since there is several applications to which it extends. In one respect- Blackberries are given to the traveling sales force, sales is a great field to be in, but it by no means qualifies you to be a CEO or have a job title in anything of that nature- so why have your blackberry on if you are not C level? I hate to say it, but some people aren’t going to make it to the top if they don’t learn that you have to be good at life to be good at your job in whatever capacity that may be.

I agree with everything stated here but I’d like to add one more fact…. or opinion depending on how you look at it.

Friends who were once close to one another, lose the relationship once they move on in life. I firmly believe that relationships are based on action and the relationships you had back in college or back at a previous employer are just memories and not current relationships.

So you may want to question your “relationships” with these friends of yours. Find new relationships based on common activities, not based on memories. Maybe those new friends will put down their BlackBerries for you.

I just had a long weekend with the wife where she either spent her time online (computer with WAN card, not a CrackBerry–but close enough), criticizing me, or telling me what needs to be done. On a vacation. The next “vacation” we have, she is leaving her computer, treo and work behind or else she’s going without me.

If the time is during business hours, by all means allow them to keep track of their devices. If it is after hours, they cannot do much about the business at that point, so why keep checking. No matter how low on the success chain, you have to have balance or even if you do get where you want to go, you don’t know how to balance things and will not stay there long.

It’s bad enough that people feel it necessary to be on them all of time while at work (meetings, lunch, etc.) It’s even worse when they feel it necessary to do it while you take time out of your busy day to meet with them on the social level. I’m sorry for all of you out there with them, but nobody’s job is that important that you have to check it every time it buzzes. And guess what, if you are sending emails to me at 9pm, I am not going to get it until the next morning anyways–I’m busy socializing with those that have an actual social life. Enough said.

Hi All,
I just wanted to say “Hi” and let all of you know that I’m “Dear Berry” located over at http://www.crackberry.com. The “Dear Berry” column is strictly for Berry users, abusers, friends, relatives, etc… If I can be of help, feel free to send a question or comment to: dearberry@crackberry.com.
Best, Berry

Big Brother Blackberry. How cleverly Orwellian. Some people even spend their own money on the tool of their enslavement. I try to have compassion for the addiction and to be polite as I disengage from the addict. Life is too short.

Cut them some slack. First year lawyers are expected by their employers to be on their blackberries 24/7. It’s why most lawyers end up having only other lawyers for friends.

Generally I find that bringing along my own smartphone, and while they’re checking their Blackberry sending them a quick message “Hi, I’m still here if you want to chat” tends to get their attention…

Addiction to crackberries is nothing more than and extension of the widespread addiction to cell phones. I have been in special trainings arranged at considerable expense to my organization where cell phones were going off constantly and people jumping up to run out to the hall to talk. I’m sure it’s the same with crackberries. It is not only discourteous to those in the same meeting, but it is wasteful of the organization’s money. Generally, I don’t even turn on my cell phone unless I’m making an outgoing call. Why would I want to make myself available to any fool with 50 cents in his pocket to call me. Leave a message!

The BlackBerry “addiction” is simply a cover-up for those poor socially bankrupt soles who somehow see themselves as more important that others. As an attorney, I have a BlackBerry and use it as an extension of my office as needed. However, I also have common sense as well as manners and common courtesy.

I agree that you should stop talking when someone pulls out their device and stops giving you their attention. But to be polite, rather than make a snarky comment about waiting for them, try taking the responsibility on yourself - something like “oh I can’t finish my thought I get distracted so easily” or “it’s hard for me to keep up a conversation when I can’t make eye contact - my own quirk, I’ll wait.” Not because it’s your fault but because it’s the polite thing to do.

People are free to develop their careers because it is understandable that as a new employee, you are expected to be available 24/7 - HOWEVER, do not be upset if you are suddenly no longer invited to intimate gatherings where a tight group of friends just want to get away from the hustle and bustle of the regular work week. My friends and I often have meals where we agree to leave our electronics in the car. During a weekday lunch, this may not be possible, but uninterrupted Sunday brunches are definitely do-able.

In Asia, texting a person during a face to face conversation has become accepted. When I visited my cousins in the Philippines, they would have social text conversations while we were at lunch, dinner, or hanging out at their homes. I visit the Philippines once every 7 years. I felt our bonding time was stolen from technology. Same goes to visiting my college friend in Singapore. Half of the messages were work, half were social. Both my cousin and college friend say this is normal and the “new” etiquette. To me, it’s the uninvited guest.

In regards to text messages related to work - I believe the priority and urgency each message should be responsibly filtered by the owner. I’m sure deals need to be done by a certain time and patients would like to be discharged ASAP when the lab results come in. That’s fine.

I think it’s rude to socially text when you are in the company of others that donated their time to be with you. It’s sad if one is trying to use technology to “look” important. If messages are work related and you don’t get any real downtime from the electronic leash, time to re-evaluate or rebalance life. Most don’t spend enough time with our family and friends as it is - due to work, family and house responsibilities. Don’t allow technology to steal your time. Life moves fast, and then stops when you least expect it.

My suggestion is don’t make it a “either the crackberry goes or I go”, because if it is actual work, your friendship will lose.

If I’m having lunch or dinner with a Crack addict, and they start checking e-mail & responding while we’re sitting there together, I do these three things:

1. Stop talking.
2. Sit quietly and watch them.
3. When they inevitably say “go ahead, I can still listen to you” I respond, “No, I’ll wait until I have your full attention again, whenever that is.”

9 times out of 10, they end their little task pretty quickly because the silence hanging over our heads is uncomfortable.

I agree with Ken, who “can’t recall the last time I had an undisturbed meal in a restaurant.” I don’t care if you glance at your Blackberry - just glance!! Then give me back your attention! Sheesh!

simply tell them that you dont want to be around someone that is ignoring you presence and being rude by constantly working and turn and leave. Mostly it is the corporate world forcing these things and until people simply say no under all threats then it will continue. I work to live, I dont live to work. If I am missing my family and friends for work all the time on my personal time is this really a job that is helping me live or causing me not to live.

CrackBerry is a definite new term for Webstar’s. I cantnot tell you how often conversations and now meetings are disrupted by the Crackberry Shiver as a colleague reaches for hie/her technological holster. At some point common sense has to take over. Is it really important, so incredibly important that that message cannot wait 10-20 minutes? Overall, I believe that productivity takes a hit. How can these folks be truly productive when their lives at work, home, the gym and even the restroom are now invaded by the CrackBerry Shiver? Maybe
to “UnCrackberry” should be added to the evergrowing stress manaement courses.

There is a difference between being obnoxious with your blackberry and being discreet. I always have mine with me, but it is easy enough to glance at who has sent you an email and decide whether or not it must be addressed RIGHT NOW. I work in a “high stress 24-7 job”, and still, theres 95% chance that my reply can wait until I can gracefully excuse myself momentarily.

With that being said, many of us early in our careers are EXPECTED to always be available, and like it or not, that is the world we live in. Everyone has rude or annoying habits, chances are I overlook yours if I am speaking with you in a social setting, so don’t get bent out of shape if I need to glance at my blackberry from time to time.

I find it rude to even have cell phones on during a hair cut, massage, etc. let alone if a friend would rather be with their “device” I would rather be with somebody who finds my company more interesting.
I turn my cell off during appointments, in restaurants, and absolutely with dates and friends. If I’m in public, I turn it to vibrate, even in a grocery store, so to avoid annoying people with noise.
People have lost respect for the people around them and only see themselves anymore. Sad.

It’s not just business people — look at high-school and college students.

As a college teacher, I tell my students to HANG UP AND LIVE. Put away the cell phone, take out the earphones, and pay attention to the people and environment where you actually are. Experience life, not just telephony!

If the present people and environment really don’t suit you, go elsewhere. But don’t insult us by trying to be “virtually” somewhere else all the time.

Not everybody who knows how to make your phone ring is more important than the person you’re already talking to.

Above all, don’t phone or text while driving, crossing the street, or interacting with people (such as cashiers or waiters) face-to-face.

And if you are dating somebody who requires a continuous electronic connection to you during every class change, you’re in an unhealthy relationship and should get out.

You all missed it. At least half that oh so unavoidable communication is with people with whom they are having affairs - what better disguise than the unrelenting office.

Living in New York you see them everywhere. I agree with Miss Manners on all points except one. I do not feel sorry for the Blackberry addicts. Remember everyone: it is your time too. My wife and I will ask people to put them away and will not socialize with repeat offenders. We meet people to hear about their lives…not listen to their ring tones.

If you’re using BlackBerrys as a pasttime, keep in mind that electronics and the “newest” and “greatest” will always be out there becoming newer and greater… you’re not missing anything if you put it down for an hour. Flesh and blood people on the other hand are only getting older, and may die, move away, or forget you before you can realize you haven’t spend enough time with some of them.

However, if your excessive electronic device usage is truly for work purposes, then perhaps the most important issue at hand is that you are addicted to work.

Don’t be a slave to your electronics.

My impression is that many people using these devises are many times just “surfing” or wasting time looking at trivial things. This is truely a “cyberspace addiction” that has infected all aspects of everyday life.

I couldn’t agree more with Miss Manners. Things have gotten insane with these devices. Text messaging has created dangerous driving habits. I can’t recall the last time I had an undisturbed meal in a restaurant. Unfortunately, I believe the water is long under the bridge, since most people believe as the writer does that there is no question that “some is acceptable”.

Don’t always assume people are working on their Blackberrys - I see dozens of business professionals playing innane games on their devices during the evening commute by train. Hey Mr. Middle Manager - try reading a book or two. If I’m with friends in a social setting and the BlackBerry keeps coming out, I absolutely say something. Seems to me, applying social pressure is what establishes etiquette over time - without it, we’d still be eating with our hands. Best to let people know they’ve crossed a line and let them decide if that’s where they want to be.

More often than not, those that are glued to their BlackBerrys aren’t so much busy as they just like to “feel” busy. Too busy to be social. I have one myself but I find that my friends that have the addiction only use it when they have nothing to say or add to a conversation. To appear to be glued to the BlackBerry is to appear to be important. (The beeper of old.)

If my son is any example - who SENDS upwards of 3000 messages a month - much of CrackBerry Land is in fact social interaction as opposed to “work.”

Such social interaction with co-workers is of course “work,” to some degree - by definition - but much of it is not. I would be curious to see what is being texted - after all, physicians on call, currency traders, and folks who develop Special National Intelligence Estimates or work for the President directly are about the only ones who MUST answer EVERY message INSTANTLY or ELSE.

Most of the others who engage in this behavior are pretending to look important, as surely many of those who are SENDING these messages to the CrackBerry artists.

Anyone EVER just “touch base,” with the Big Dog on a Sunday night - to look “present, interested, and dedicated?”

Hell yes.

CrackBerry-dom emphasises the unpleasant truth in America today: work is social is social is work. I don’t know my neighbors. I don’t know many folks at church. I know my co-workers - I eat with them, drink with them, socialize with them, and yes, I mated with one.

Bottom line, alas, is the CrackBerry world is here to stay.

Anne, this behavior stems from egotism. It’s the idea that, “Look at me! My life and what I do is so important I don’t really have time to be there for you. Umm..sorry!” These type of people will find all sorts of things to fill up their lives with in order to feel like the one. It’s a little sad to see, but amusing also.

Don’t blame your friends, but DO blame Corporate America for working their ass 24 x 7. Corporate America has turned everyone’s life upside down and destroying everyone’s family. Workers, especially in the financial markets, and coming down with heart disease left and right. I can walk around any trading floor and find a whole bunch of traders with 3 or more stents or bypass in them! Forgot about what you said about social occasions, they don’t even have time to spent with their families without checking their Blackberry and VPN from home! People have no choice but to comply with their management if they want to keep their jobs, and to support their families until they collapse in the offices with heart attacks, which I have witnessed with my own eyes in the past. You can forget about those survey and reports on “The top 100 companies to work for” and your HR policy on “Balance between work and personal life”, there no no such things! They’re all BS!

There is an appropriate time for using a blackberry or similar device. WHile at a board meeting or a social setting, it is very disrespectful to everyone in the room to be playing with your electronic device. These prople who need to access their devices should excuse themselves from the room and come back when they can respect everyone else in the room.
It is a basic matter of respect. Many people feel that noone can see or hear them - they are very wrong on both counts!

Definitely time to throw in the towel when they’re concentrating so hard on work that they have no time for anything else. Yes things do happen 24/7 everywhere, but if you say you’re going to meet someone for lunch, you meet them for lunch and ignore everything for 30 mins to an hour. I suggest he try talking to his friends on a weekend first and if that doesn’t work then move on

Isn’t the “Crackberry” issue analogous to the whole credit market debacle we’re currently dealing with? To wit – “hey, this guy is doing it; I’d better get on the band wagon”. In other words…GREED.

We humans are so afraid that someone will get there before we do and take the very last dollar (yen/euro/whatever) that we feel we have be on top. The results are obvious. We ostracize ourselves from friends and family and wind up rich and alone. What good is that?

I disagree with Miss Manner’s suggestion of “leav[ing] them alone until they have worked their way up in their careers…” If they’re truly your friend and mean something to you, tell them to disconnect for a while and live life. If fame and fortune pass one by then it simply wasn’t meant to be.